Sunday, November 30, 2008

Understanding

I still don't understand. But my mind keeps acting like that isn't important.

HOW IS THAT NOT IMPORTANT?

nothing around me is real.

It's like a UPS truck exploding in a bag of green beans while 5 million wreckless musicians collapse fingers into the screaming death of why can't you see the cup of posters ahead of your jelly?

Reading that sentence is what my life feels like when I look at it.

but then I go and do basic tasks, and do them well, when I have no grasp of my bearings: the premises of my existence, yet I go on existing! Unaware of my lack of explanation and UNDERSTANDING!

Under the assumption that no one will ever read this ever....

I'm sitting at my computer listening to the best music I've ever listened to. I don't understand it and probably won't. I don't understand so so so so so many things.

I don't understand anything really. Except that this is a good outlet. This is a good outlet for the stuff inside me. I want many people to read it though. Somethings I want to keep to myself and internalize, but these things I write here.. these I want people to read.

I am looking at life differently than I always have. ... The only way I can describe it is that I've been in a bubble. I've been in a bubble completely uncomprehending of the world around me. It has popped. What I mean to say is that, every aspect of life is completely assaulting my senses and understanding as I have only seen it through a translucent layer of unfathomable-soap until now.

I am desperately trying to quarantine all the information I am being exposed to. That is my natural reaction. But I don't want that. I want to be experiencing them all at once. I want to be overwhelmed until I begin foaming at the mouth. I can feel it's possible, but the system that was initially responsible for the bubble is quite strong. It seems weed and trauma is the only thing that can rupture the membrane of hypnotics I operate beneath. I will continue to update.